If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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