If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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