Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like abortions should bother me more
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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