Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
