I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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