I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
