captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
