If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize