the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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