Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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