Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
