Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
