I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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