It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
