shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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