Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
