I could have mohawked her pubes.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
