Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
