I hate your face
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
even my farts smell like vagina
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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