this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
