i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
