there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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