somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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