she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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