I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
