I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
