Sry I called you an 8
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
