I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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