last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize