This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
