I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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