she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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