i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
