You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
