I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
