I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
