Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
