I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
