the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize