I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
