My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
