Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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