Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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