Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
