Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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