Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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