Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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