am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
