Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
