I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
