he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
