News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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