i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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