My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
