Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize