You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
