You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
