just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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