he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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