dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
