ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize