dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
