I'm so fucking centered right now
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
