Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize