I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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