Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
