In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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