singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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