Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you still have your period?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize