When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
